Cling to What is Good

I've been taking Zicam to get over my cold, so I'm feeling much better. Stayed home from my Thursday afternoon class but went to makeup class yesterday without any problems.

I'm at Dad's for the weekend. Last night we watched "The Terminal". Pretty good movie. Today's gonna be a marathon of reading and other homework, then dinner with some of stepmom's family. Tomorrow is more homework & reading, then the Super Bowl. I'm not a fan of either team but if I had to pick, I'd go with the Saints.

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Last week was pretty good. As I said in one of my previous entries I've started forgiving myself for the crap I've done to myself and that I do to other people. Jesus doesn't condemn me, so why should I? He loves me and forgives me! And I've seen a real change as a result of that: No anxiety twitches since I woke up Thursday morning! I have had some sugar buzzes, but no anxiety! There is some of that under the surface, but not flailing and jerking around like a marionette being controlled by an epileptic is very, very good.

At church yesterday, Chip, one of the missionaries whom I've known since middle school, anointed me with oil and prayed over me, for healing from my anxiety, inferiority complex & jealousy. I hope and pray that God will continue to heal me. After service I made my usual Goodwill run and picked up 4 CDs: Speedwood One and Two by Lost & Found, and a couple Gregorian chant CDs by the Monastic Choir of St. Peter's Abbey. All good stuff so far. :D

My job for "The Handmaid's Tale" is Wardrobe, so I've been learning how to stitch for emergency repairs and stuff. It's kind of infuriating. Camels can move through the eyes of needles more easily than threads I can move through them. I've also been organizing all the costumes by character so the guys in the cast don't yell at me about them. I'm an actor, too; this is why our costume designer picked me. Unfortunately, with all the work I'll be doing on this show as well as the 14 credits of classes I'm in, I have to miss acting in this short film that my friend Sam, aka Scribbles, is shooting. It's a good part, too, a socially awkward kid who stands up to some guys picking on him.  It's like Scribbles wrote that whole movie just for me...oh well. At least I'm learning how to do my own makeup in my Friday class.

Chegg shipped my PoliSci book through a third party seller, which meant that I still haven't gotten it---AND they didn't give me a tracking number! After my Theatre History 2 class Thursday morning, I went home for a couple hours in hopes of catching the UPS truck before I had to leave again for the 4pm class, which had a QUIZ on the first chapter! Truck didn't come so I winged the quiz. Fortuantely, the prof had covered most of the book material in the class lecture and gave the quiz at the end, so that was a relief. I called Chegg yesterday & they said they'd ship me another copy of the book for free; if I get the one I originally rented for $60, I can just send it back when I get the redo.

I watched the X Games this past weekend. My favorite event is Snowboarder X. With that, and the Vancouver Olympics coming up, I REALLY want to learn how to snowboard. I was born here in Colorado and I'm 21, but I've never snowboarded in my life! What the heck's wrong with me?!? Shouldn't I get a little credit for having skied before? I'll save up for some lessons, a board rental & the Ski Train to Winter Park. Or if I can tag along with anyone next season, that'd be awesome. Y'know, snowboarding's been in the Olympics since 1998. They should make the other Olympic sports more extreme. Like cross-country skiing...chased by bears! I'd freaking watch that.

I'm feeling MUCH better today. Last night after coming home from my CR Step Study I got out my list of the things I've done for which I haven't forgiven myself. I asked God to forgive me, then meditated on Romans 8:1 for a bit. I could literally feel a weight being lifted off of my shoulders! I'm now in the process of forgiving myself, and since then I haven't felt a single twitch or tweak.

God loves me! He loves me. :D

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Day 2 of the semester, & I'm already overwhelmed.

T & TH: 
-Theatre History II -- Shouldn't be too hard.
-Production Process -- Working on this semester's show may cut into CR time. I REALLY don't wanna drop out just when I'm finishing step 4.
-Comparative Politics -- The big assignment here is a 12-15 page paper due at the end of April. I already have a topic, but I hope I can put out something good.

-Acting class Monday & Wednesday with José looks good.

-Wednesday:
-BA Junior Project. I hear it's basically Dan, the theatre department chair giving us a self-help lecture every week, with the final project being some kind of portfolio. Maybe this class will help me realize just what I should do with my theatre degree.

Friday:
-Makeup for Stage & Screen

On top of all this, I have the CR Step Study Monday nights, big group Friday nights, & the office visits for my sleep study. Due to Radiant Research's Montbello location and the way the bus schedules work, I showed up to my acting class right at 1pm, and didn't get to have lunch til 2:30.


Pray for me, people. I have some decisions to make.

Wow, what a great weekend!

Thursday: I flew Denver-Chicago O'Hare-Charlotte-Myrtle Beach with only an hour delay in Charlotte because of some mechanical thing. No big deal; stuff happens. I arrived in Myrtle Beach at about 8:30pm, where I was met at the airport by Firekeeper, JadynWestland (his now wife), Jasper (Crashheart), Dante, Gunslinger87, Calliope & her husband Zervon. We exchanged hugs then went to a Chinese buffet place for dinner. I wasn't very hungry so I mostly just talked about random stuff and told everyone hi on behalf of all the Colorado FFCers, plus Osric, StephenC, and PumpedAaron. After that we went to this arcade-type place called Broadway on the Beach for a while, where I played Skee-Ball and kicked Jadyn's tail at air hockey twice. And I beat Jasper, too. :P

( Otter on the left. Bear on the right. )

Then we went back to the hotel to watch Dr. Horrible and some furry videos on YouTube. Firekeeper was stressing out about stuff so we prayed for him, then I asked for some advice and prayer about my G.O. Basically we realized that a big part of it comes from the fact that I've had a distorted idea of what masculinity is because my dad never really taught me so. Therefore, from all these cartoons & stuff, I believed that a real man is big and strong and tough. Yet you see these macho guys in real life, and they're jerks. I need to re-read "Wild at Heart". Y'know, it's no coincidence that all four of us in the room (Jasper, Dante, Earl and I) have all struggled with same-sex attraction to some extent, and to see one of us breaking free of that hang-up and marrying an adorable young woman on the anniversary of his sobriety, is amazing and inspiring. We all finally went to bed at about 2am.

( Jasper's otter puppet & Earl's wolf puppet. )

Friday: Jasper & I helped Earl get some food and decorations from his apartment over to the church, then everyone helped set things up. The church actually used to be a theatre, which was donated by the former owner, so the sanctuary was big, with a fly system and rear balcony and backstage shop areas. It was pretty sweet. After many hours of setting up stuff and a quick pseudo-nap, the rehearsal began. Dante & I weren't in the wedding party, so we went back to the hotel for some hanging out, then to Fuddrucker's for dinner. Earl's roommate Bob was supposed to take me to CR, but he never got in touch with me. It's cool, 'because talking with all the guys about our various struggles, sharing con stories and wishing Earl all the best really kept me distracted. I hardly had any urges, even when I hugged Dante, and he's a big guy.

After the rehearsal & rehearsal dinner we met up at TGI Friday's, where I talked with Earl because he was stressing about his fiancée stressing out. I told him to let her have her space, don't worry about it, and have some fun. I didn't fly out from Denver and meet him in person for the first time only to see him all anxious. They have all the time in the world now to spend with one another. We hugged it out, went back inside for a drink then back to the hotel. Tried to watch Terminator 2 but only got about halfway through it because everyone was getting tired and tomorrow was a big day. We prayed for Earl then went to bed.

Saturday: As soon as everyone in the room was up I said "Mawwaige. Mawwiage is what bwings up togethuh today." Ceremony started a little after 2. It was short and simple, with a quick sermon about the importance and value of marriage, then the vows, ring exchange, communion and "I do"s. Some more furries (including DL Leonine and FreezingHot from FFC) were there, so the one furry thing we did during the reception was the Caramelldansen:



That was GRRREAT. Food and cake were yummy, too. Earl, Dante, Bob, Earl's best man Donald, and his sister Liz all gave speeches about how far he's come since he was a little folf. Since he's a big Indiana Jones fan, on the way out to the honeymoon, we all sang the theme song and Earl was wearing his fedora. He'd gotten cake frosting on his tie and jacket. :P

( CAKE SMOOSH! )

Throughout the setup and teardown, I got to know Gunslinger from FFC. He's really into steampunk and narrow-gauge railroads, and is working on a furry Western comic. Really wants to come visit Colorado someday because of our rich railroad history and our active steampunk scene. I told him to check out Kite's FA page because she's really into that stuff. I didn't talk a whole lot with Jasper, but he's a really chill guy and maybe we'll get to talk more from now on. The only art any of us did was a sketch of Dante & me that Jasper drew in my sketchbook. I wish we'd done more, but getting to spend time with furrs I'd only known online was still great. 

Crash, Dante & I went back to the hotel for some nom and random YouTube videos then went to the pool. We told each other con stories, did some fun pool tricks and spend some time in the hot tub. I didn't have a swimsuit so I wore a pair of dark-colored briefs. Just for fun I struck some bodybuilder poses, and it felt really good because I'm comfortable enough with my just-above-the-normal-threshold weight to do it without caring about what anyone thought. Dante thought I had a lot of guts to do that, and he said he was so grateful that I was there. I was really glad to have that validation from him, Crash & Earl--that I matter to them. I'm not just some guy from the internet who's fun to hang out with. I'm a real friend, and to hear that made me feel even better. :D

Sunday: Jasper's flight home to Oregon was two hours before mine, and in Wilmington, so our last hurrah together was breakfast. The bear, otter and gecko all said our goodbyes, and I packed up my stuff while waiting for Bob to pick me up and take me to the airport. All my flights home were uneventful, and Mom picked me up at about 7.

I'm going to miss everyone, and I can't wait to fly out to the East Coast to see them. Or have them come here. I have lots more pictures on my Facebook if you wanna see them.

I wish nothing but the best for Earl & Stephanie.

Yes. *giggles*

In memory of family and friends who have lost the battle with cancer; and in support of the ones who continue to conquer it! Post this on your LJ if you know someone who has or had cancer.

My uncle Don lost his battle with colon cancer in March 2007. My dad has a tattoo on his calf in his memory. Right now my friend Jacob is fighting leukemia.


Pray for the people of Haiti, which suffered a 7.0 earthquake the other day.

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Tuesday night I went to dinner at Bar Louie up in Stapleton for happy hour. Really good food; I had a $1 burger, fries & a Shock Top. After that we went to the Borders store up there since it's closing soon and I have a gift card there anyway. I had another book dilemma, this time between a guitar theory/technique book and a book that could help me a lot with realistic animal drawing, based on a suggestion Tom gave me on FA after I got that furry book.

( The winner... )

This book is SO COOOL! It's got TWELVE pages of gecko pictures, and three of those pages are of day geckos. Me=very happy. I've started trying to draw the Madagascar Giant Day Gecko in there, but it's...not looking so good. I wanna find out from gingerligress how she has the skill and patience to draw so many scales.

Some months ago, I finally found the name of the company that makes all those animal shirts: The Mountain. I hopped on their website to see if they by some chance had a shirt with a gecko on it. Turns out that they do, and mine came in the mail yesterday. That's a Four-Eyed Day Gecko, BTW. Phelsuma quadriocellata lepida. The shirt came just in time for Firekeeper's wedding next weekend; the Thursday and Friday leading up to it will consist of a bunch of furry fun (and for me, CR on Friday night!).

My sleep pattern's been really weird lately since I stopped taking melatonin for the research study. I got maybe 2-3  on New Year's Transition, then SEVEN hours the night after that (a miracle!), about 4 the night after that, then 6, then around 4 each night since then. Most nights I try to have a bedtime snack of some peanut butter on crackers and a small glass of milk. Protein+carbs+casein=decent sleep. This coming Wednesday is my next study visit, when I can start taking whatever pill they give me.

I fly out for the wedding on Thursday; I have to connect in Chicago O'Hare and Charlotte, so I'll be in the air for most of the freaking day. Still, it'll be good to meet Firekeeper, Crash & Dante IRL for the first time. I can't wait!

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Earworm: a song, tune, or commercial jingle that gets “stuck” in one’s head, such that it seems to repeat itself involuntarily.  Earworms are often described as “catchy” music that becomes annoying.  An earworm is not actually heard, but rather rehearsed mentally.

No one knows why they occur, since almost any song could become an earworm. One theory, "cognitive itch", says that music can act like biochemical agents that causes itches on the skin. The only way to relieve it is to listen to it, which results in the song being stuck again and causing a long loop of mental torture. Another says that earworms occur as a result of thought suppression: trying not to think about something, like blue elephants or The Game.

A property of acoustics known as resonant frequency may be a cause as well; certain songs may cause a part of the body to vibrate at the same frequencies as what is playing. So far, no one has explored this.

Source: www.business.uc.edu/earworms/101

I frequently suffer from them, as you can tell by the new designation in my LJ entries for what I'm listening to. Wish I knew how to cure them; at least certain earworms, like Gregorian chants, are much less annoying than, say, Caramelldansen or Joy Electric. ^^;

( This was my Drama of Diversity final from last month. Under cut for length and strong, personal, theological conviction. )

Yesterday I was at Barnes and Noble, pondering what to buy with my $25 gift card from there. I came in there aiming for "Everybody Wants to Go to Heaven, but Nobody Wants to Die" by David Crowder and Mike Hogan. Crowder's "B Collision" EP comes with a couple excerpts from it. I like his writing style, having borrowed "Praise Habit" from Tom last summer (and highlighted/underlined in it, since I'm one of those people... >_> <_<). The concept of linking bluegrass with eschatology seems fascinating, but as I flipped through the pages, this new book seems to deal a lot with grief. Aside from this Friday the 8th being the first anniversary of Yuoo's passing, I haven't really dealt with grief. So maybe I'm not ready to read the book yet. Maybe as a good theological book, not necessarily applying to me.

I picked up the only copy that the store had and went over to the arts/games section to see what I could buy with the change remaining. Upon looking through the art instruction books, I came upon this:

Pros:
-Really well put-together. Gorgeous pictures in there.
-Covers a lot of the basics, from perspective to shading to basic anatomy.
-Compares toony, realistic and semi-realistic styles. Most of the art has a semi-realistic slant to it.
Cons:
-Not familiar with the artists/authors, so I don't know what kind of credibility they have in the furry community.
-Not a whole lot of variety in species. Got your basic canines, felines, rodents, and birds, plus a chapter on equines. No exotic or mythical creaures, just fantasy variations like a magic purple fox.
-Seems a bit advanced for a noob like me, even though I'm told that furries should start out drawing realism first.

So what to do? Something that'll help me in my walk with Christ, or something that'll help me get better in my art? A book about death...or drawing?

I ended up with "Draw Furries". As much as I like David Crowder...I don't think I need to read his book right now. I want to try drawing different art styles than the super-toony stuff I've been learning from Christopher Hart's "How to Draw Cartoon Animals".

Man, I miss Yuoo...I hope I can get through this week OK.

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For this end-of-the-year thing, I'm going to do one significant world event for each month and one significant personal event.

January:
-Barack Obama is inaugurated as the 44th President of the United States. I'm not a fan of his, but he's still our president.
-Yuoo, FFC's resident Brother Fennec, goes home to be with the Lord.

February:
-President Obama signs the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act in Denver.
-I pass my driving test and FINALLY get my license.

March:
-The US Senate passes a $410 billion omnibus spending bill.
-I start going to Celebrate Recovery.

April:
-Somali pirates hijack the Maersk Alabama, only to give up within days thanks to US Navy ships such as the USS Boxer.
-I quit my job at Panera and march on the Capitol in protest of proposed cuts in higher-ed funding from the state budget.

May:
-Space Shuttle Atlantis makes the final service mission to the Hubble Space Telescope.
-I go on a road trip to Minnesota for my friend Chad's wedding.

June:
-General Motors files for bankruptcy.
-I suffer my biggest anxiety attack since November '07.

July:
-German company Novartis announcese that it has made the first vaccine for the H1N1 flu virus.
-I start the STEP Study at CR.

August:
-Two American journalists are freed from a North Korean prison thanks to diplomatic efforts by former President Clinton.
-RMFC rocks the socks. "I'm not going on a date in a coyote outfit!"

September:
-U.S. Representative Joe Wilson shouts out "You lie!" during a health care speech by President Obama.
-I meet Marc, one of the coolest guys I know, for the first time IRL; we hang Labor Day weekend, right after I get cast in my first show in three and a half years, "I. Am. Here."

October:
-Barack Obama is selected as the recipient of the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize.
-I visit Pat in San Diego for the commissioning of his ship, the USS Makin Island LHD-8.

November:
-The United States House of Representatives votes 220-215 to pass the highly debated health care reform act.
-I go to LA for callbacks for the Jeopardy! College Championship...and turn 21 at the end of the month.

December:
-A bomb squad in Reykjavik, Iceland, searches a diverted Lufthansa flight from Frankfurt, Germany, to Detroit, Michigan, United States, that carries a bag whose owner did not make it onto the plane.
-I get new glasses!

This year's been a blessing; I lost some friends but made a bunch more; finally taking steps in recovering from anxiety, my inferiorrity complex and other things; finally got to do a great show at school. God's been really good to me. Here's to His blessings being even greater in 2010!

Just got back from the evaluation for a research study into a new sleep medication. Unlike the last time, I got approved!

First off, one of the nurses asked me a bunch of health questions; the reason I'd gotten turned down from the last study was because I had too many depressive symptoms. I was much better this time around cuz God's been lifting me from depression and anxiety. So the nurse gave me a PDA to record a daily morning and evening diary of my sleep patterns and symptoms. She then explained the rules: no melatonin, no giving/receiving blood,  no travel in more than 2 time zones, no alcohol within 3 hours of bedtime, etc. I won't be able to work out during the study since I haven't lifted in about a month or so (ran out of protein powder), so maybe I can get away with push-ups to stay strong and hopefully I can still gain weight. I'm up to 123 pounds bodyweight, so only 7 more pounds before I'm no longer considered underweight!

The MD supervising the study was a pain; he asked way more questions than the nurse, and a lot of them were confusingly worded. Yes, I was majorly depressed in the past and attempted suicide by suffocation a few times, but I'm SO MUCH BETTER now! Anxiety's not as bad but I'm working on that, too. After that they gave me a physical, complete with a ECG, piss test and some blood drawn. I was such a trooper. =}~

Next appointment is in 2 weeks, at which point they'll give me either the sleep drug or a placebo, and I'll give them my sleep diary. After that, as long as I follow the rules I'll get $50 per visit for up to 14 months.

My new iTunes music includes David Crowder Band's "B Collision" EP, the "Sherlock Holmes" soundtrack, "New Magnetic Wonder" by The Apples in Stereo, and Rush's "Moving Pictures", among a bunch of other stuff. I'll post reviews once I've listened to everything a few times.

ZarJaMar gave me a new sketchbook for my birthday; the first drawing in it is a stained glass gecko, and the second is a challenge that Tom offered: Draw a large animal as realistically as I can, using a really light pencil and feeling free to erase. I already have some liger pictures on my comp for another furry project, so I'm drawing a liger cub. So far it's looking a bit too toony, probably 'cuz some of the lines are kinda heavy. I'll see what Tom thinks; I need to get together with him for the commission I'm getting from him.

God is good. Very good. :D

tags:

I hope you all had a great Christmas; I sure did. Not going to be tacky and post a list of my "haul", but Pat came home, my parents are still on good terms, and I have glasses again. Those are the presents I really needed this year; I can survive without a GPS or a fancy camera or whatever.



Yes, yes, I know I look like John Lennon, Harry Potter, Christopher Lloyd's character in "Who Framed Roger Rabbit", and/or Thomas Dolby. I wanted something different than my old rectangular frames, and the circular style caught my eye. If I painted them bronze I'd look like a steampunk fan.

On Saturday I would have driven up to Greeley to visit ZarJaMar, partially cuz I miss him, and partially cuz he's come down to Aurora so many times and I wanted to pay him back some. But it was snowing and very cloudy when I got out of bed, so that plan was out. Ironically, the sun had come out by the time Mom, Uncle Chris and I were done with brunch. I'll find some other day to go up there; winter break ends on January 19th. I didn't get the call from Jeopardy! as I'd hoped, but you know what? I don't feel so bad about it; being an actor I'm used to audition rejection by now, and I have one more year of college to go as well as the opportunity to take the test for the regular show. This was my first time making it to the second round of auditions out of four or five tests, and there are thousands of people who never get that far. Therefore I know that I'm capable of doing it again; I just need to study better. There's one more (unsuccessful) audition without the usual depression following it, and I feel OK. Besides, it was one of the most fun experiences of my life and I hope to repeat it with better success in the future.

Instead of that long drive I saw "Sherlock Holmes" with Mom & Chris. It was pretty enjoyable, but I didn't like the secret society plot. Kinda felt like they were trying to cash in on the success of movies like "Angels and Demons", "The Da Vinci Code", and "National Treasure". Still, the dialogue was witty, acted well by the whole cast, and the visuals were astounding. I loved Hans Zimmer's score, too; there was lots of warm, dry-timbred violin, hammer dulcimer, cello, and ol-timey piano, with some banjo, tuba and accordion (or maybe bandoneon?) sprinkled here and there. I just might buy it.

Over the past week and a half I've had those twitching episodes on & off. Some appear just to be from my blood sugar spiking, while some appear to be from that and from anxiety or held-in jealousy. There are some things I want to say to people but apparently I have to wait until the Amends step in CR. And yet the key Scripture for that step is Matthew 5:23-24, which says we should reconcile IMMEDIATELY. I'm having trouble setting those anxieties & jealousies aside and not worrying about them. I have huge problems with not letting things go anyway. It sucks, 'cuz I let things build & build inside of me until I explode and make a big mess. However, when I've tried to let things out before that happens, I've still screwed up. I think that not saying anything is just as bad as lying.

Anyway, in my winter-break Narnia reading, I'm right up to the point where the battle between Aslan's and the White Witch's armies face off in "The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe". "The Magician's Nephew" was really good; it's basically about the creation of Narnia. Can't wait to read the rest!

Crusader Cat & I went downtown for some fursuiting fun. Weather  was great for walking around in a full-body fursuit, but being a Sunday afternoon a lot of people were watching the Broncos lose. We still managed to get some looks and stuff; I got some cool pics of Crusader. After that I came home, had dinner, then saw "Avatar" in IMAX 3-D with Timber. Best freakin' movie I've seen all year. It was just...guuuhhhh....awesome. I loved the message: Stop trying to exploit and destroy natural resources just because you have the big guns and big money and big science; let's live in peace with nature, whether it's out on some alien planet or your own backyard. Kinda like "Fern Gully", only much more emotionally touching and ridiculously more visually mind-blowing. This movie's going to win a ton of Oscars! Absolutely worth the $15, only I just can't spend that much just on a movie ticket for a long time. I gotta take care of basic needs and I gotta tithe, too.

On the way home Timber & I talked about our respective plans for the future. I love theatre and really want to get my degree in it. It's a huge passion of mine...and I can't really see myself doing much of anything else, because I don't know what else I can do well that I can do for a living. But I also have this itch to go on an overseas mission trip. There is/was this Christian reality show called "Travel the Road" that planted something inside of me. Sure, I do feel called for some kind of furry mission like doing Sunday services at furcons, but I feel like God's calling me to go way outside of my "box." That was exactly what Pastor Jim talked about in yesterday's sermon.

And the cool thing about this? I have a brochure thingy from GLOBE International, for whom Steph & her husband serve. Some of the ministry opportunities include media, arts, and education. Um...HELLO!

Maybe...just maybe...I developed that growth obsession so I could find the furry fandom. And from there I came upon FFC, where I met Steph, who works for a mission organization that has opportunities for me to use my passion and gift for theatre. And they have 2-week intensive missions training programs in Scotland (the Motherland!) and in Nicaragua, where Steph & Joel are. This isn't a coincidence. God's doing something here. And if He wants me to do it, I'm going to do it!

"Give thanks to the LORD, our God and King. His love endures forever!"--Psalm 136:1

P.S. I don't have any New Year's Eve plans; anyone wanna get together?

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Toys R Us duped me by putting up a "Now Hiring" sign in their entryway; turns out that particular store isn't hiring, but corporate made them keep it up since other ones apparently are.

But I just sent my resume to an events support position on campus. And I can send off that Central City Opera app, too, since I forgot that I'd had a physical back in July when I was trying to get into that sleep study. Speaking of which, they called me again for another round of studies or something and told me why I got rejected the first time: depressive symptoms were too high. Knowing is half the battle!

I REALLY hope I get one of those jobs. You can only stretch birthday and Christmas money so far.